


Anthem of a Angels

by Wolfcry22



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angels, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Awesome Sam Winchester, Brotherly Love, Castiel and Dean Winchester Have a Profound Bond, Castiel in Purgatory (Supernatural), Dean Winchester Has Mental Health Issues, Dean Winchester Has PTSD, Dean Winchester Loves Castiel, Dean Winchester Needs to Use Actual Words, Dean Winchester Whump, Dean Winchester and Sam Winchester Need to Use Their Words, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Flashbacks, Fluff, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, Nightmares, Post-Purgatory (Supernatural), Post-Purgatory Dean Winchester, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Sam Winchester, Psychological Trauma, Sad Dean Winchester, Sad Sam Winchester, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-25
Updated: 2020-09-25
Packaged: 2021-03-07 19:34:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,735
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26643061
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wolfcry22/pseuds/Wolfcry22
Summary: After returning from Purgatory, Dean still feels guilt for not being able to bring Castiel out with him. It takes Sam with a little help from a certain song to try and turn things around.
Comments: 1
Kudos: 18





	Anthem of a Angels

**Author's Note:**

> I am a HUGE fan of Breaking Benjamin and my favorite song is Anthem of the Angels. It’s not one of their more popular songs and it’s more considered soft rock than hard rock. Either way I thought the song fit perfectly for Dean and Castiel. This can either be gen or Destiel, it all depends on how you want to read it so I’ll leave that up to you. I hope you guys enjoy!

Dean twisted on the small motel bed, limbs strewn through the rough sheets that bound around his body and slowed his frantic movements. His head snapped back against the pillow as a low whimper left his lips. Tears caught in the corner of his eyes that were still forced shut despite the tremors that pulsed through his body, constricting his muscles and grinding bone against joint. His back suddenly went rigid as he let out a guttural cry. 

On the bed beside Dean, Sam sprang awake as soon as he heard the horrid sound coming from his brother’s bed. His eyes rounded in concern as he blindly grasped the switch on the wall between their beds to flip on the light. Only once the refined golden glow illuminated Dean’s sweat covered brow and tear streaked cheeks did Sam know that something was wrong with his usually stone cold brother.

“Dean?”

Sam jumped over to his brother’s bed and took his shoulder in his hand and gave it a first gentle shake. Dean’s body shook momentarily, but he didn’t rouse. Sam attempted to try again and gave Dean a much harder jostle. Sometimes the only way to snap Dean from these unfortunate frequent nightmares was to use a little force. Although not ideal, it was better than just allowing Dean to wallow in his misery.

“Dean!” This time Sam took his open palm and sprawled fingers to tap the side of Dean’s face. There was no excess warmth rising from Dean’s skin so that told Sam that he didn’t have a fever. That meant that this was just a regular old nightmare instead of a fevered dream; Dean had been having more and more of these since he returned from Purgatory.

Sam gave one more attempt to wake Dean up by pulling his brother close so that his head was rested against Sam’s leg. Sam’s weight pressed against Dean, attempting to soothe Dean without completely waking him up. It was often the case now that even alertness wouldn’t soothe the trauma that Dean had seen and been through. He had been beyond reluctant to tell Sam the half of it and Sam didn’t often press. Sam knew what it was like to be caught up in his mind and he could cur with Dean about exactly how he felt. However, it didn’t make it any easier for Sam to watch Dean go through any of this.

Sam’s fingers began to trail through Dean’s sweat soaked hair. He tried to offer soothing murmurs like Sam knew Dean often did when he used to have nightmares in his youth. While Dean would sometimes sing for Sam when they were really little, Sam didn’t think he was even close to being qualified to sing to his brother; that didn’t mean that he couldn’t use the radio to his advantage.

Reaching over, Sam managed to turn the dial on the radio and made sure that the volume was on low. The last thing that either of them needed was to kicked out of this dingy motel. It wasn’t the best by any means, but it was going to have to work for the time being. 

White walls surround us,  
No light will touch your face again  
Rain taps the window  
As we sleep among the dead

Slowly, Dean’s body began to stop resisting Sam’s comfort. If anything he leaned against his brother, facial muscles beginning to relax instinctively and hands no longer curled into tight fists. Sam wasn’t sure whether or not Dean recognized the song that was playing from the radio that looked like it had been invented in the 1940s or not, yet something seemed to be happening to his brother.

“Do you like that, Dean,” Sam whispered, hand trailing down Dean’s shoulders to rub in small circles. The tension may have been released for the time being but Sam had no doubt that they could be a moment away from it returning just as quickly and taking them both for a spine. That was just what happened when Dean’s nightmares became this intense.

Days go on forever,   
But I have not left your side  
We can chase the dark together,  
If you go then so will I

Sam smiled, beginning to hum along. The song wasn’t overly loud, but it certainly had some sort of rock feel to it. He wasn’t quite sure if it was old as the stuff that Dean usually chose to listen to, but at least it was in the right genre.

“Recognize this song, Dean?” Sam screwed his eyes up in concentration. “Maybe Three Days Grace or Skillet?” Those were the only two rock bands that Sam knew and it was only because a few of his roommates had listened to them in college. “And I close?”

There is nothing left of you,  
I can see it in your eyes  
Sing the anthem of the angels  
And say the last goodbye

At the mention of the term ‘angel’ Sam flinched. It wasn’t that it was a bad word or anything considering all that he and Dean had learned about the feathery beings in the past couple of years. The reason that Sam was so jumpy about the term was because of how Dean had been reacting to it as of late. 

It was no secret that Dean hadn’t been the same since Purgatory and Sam was sure that part of that reason was because that Castiel hadn’t made it out with him. Dean was cagey about the details and would often snap at Sam if he asked. However, it didn’t take a genius to know how much it bothered Dean that Castiel couldn’t come with him. Sam knew that Dean blamed himself by the way that he talked and how he had been acting. Sam couldn’t even bring up Castiel’s name without Dean snapping at him for it. The only time he openly talked about it was when he as drunk or exhausted beyond belief. Sam feared that hearing lyrics that mentioned angels like this was going to make things even worse for Dean than they already were.

Sam reached out to turn the music either down or completely off when he felt Dean stir against him. “N-No.”

“Dean,” Sam questioned with a tilt of his head.

Dean screwed up his face and reached out blindly to pull Sam’s hand back down. “Leave it,” he mumbled breathlessly. “Please.”

Sam dipped his head respectfully. “Sure, Dean. You got it.”

Cold light above us,  
Hope fills the heart and fades away  
Skin white as winter,  
As the sky returns to gray

The song was pleasant to Sam’s ears more than he wanted to admit. He found himself slightly swaying to the music and allowing his mind to wander while the song played. 

Days go on forever,  
But I have not left your side  
We can chase the dark together,  
If you go then so will I

“Breaking Benjamin.”

Sam raised an eyebrow. “I’m sorry?”

“Breaking Benjamin. That’s the artist that sings this song.” Dean winced at the rusty quality to his own voice while he propped himself into a more comfortable position against Sam. “It’s not Three Days Grace or Skillet.”

Sam couldn’t help but snort in amusement. Leave it to Dean to actually know these bands. “Yeah? What’s the name of the song?”

Dean partially curled his lip in concentration.

There is nothing left of you,  
I can see it in your eyes  
Sing the anthem of the angels,  
And say the last goodbye

“Anthem of the Angels.”

“Dean?”

“That’s the name of the song. It’s called Anthem of the Angels.”

Sam’s heart plummeted into his stomach. He had no idea what this meant for Dean. Although, the more that Sam listened to the lyrics, he was beginning to feel that this song was written exclusively for Dean and Castiel. They had always shared a special bond—there was no doubt about that—and they often found themselves in predicaments that brought them closer together while also pulling them apart. They were stronger together, yet Dean seldom wanted to admit it. Sam knew his brother too well not to be able to see what was going on. He just feared that this new chapter of their lives in Purgatory may have broken his brother farther than he could ever be put back together.

Sam realized that Dean had spoken to him by telling him the name of the song and was patiently waiting for Sam to respond. Mouth dry, Sam said the first thing that popped into his mind. “It’s a nice song.”

I keep holding onto you,  
But I can't bring you back to life  
Sing the anthem of the angels,  
And say the last goodbye

Dean let out a low grumble, legs stretching out in an effort to lesson the strain of his tight muscles. “Reminds me of Cas.”

Sam wasn’t sure if it was because Dean was so tired or if Dean still thought that maybe this was a dream, but either way Sam was going to take this and roll with it. Now may be the only time that he could talk to Dean about this and Dean actually give him some semblance of any answer.

“You miss him, don’t you?”

Moisture glistened in Dean’s forest green gaze. He didn’t even bother to wipe it away. “Course I do. He’s my best friend,” he murmured against his chest.

“Yeah, I know.”

You're dead alive  
You're dead alive  
You're dead alive  
You're dead alive

Dean’s face contorted into a fierce grimace. His brow furrowed together and his lip began to curl. “He’s never coming back, Sammy.”

“Don’t say that, Dean!” Sam’s voice sounded more like a scold than he had meant to. Luckily it didn’t seem like Dean was going to remember this conversation in the morning anyway. “We’ll find a way to get him back. We always do.”

“Not this time. He’s gone and he’s not coming back.”

The coldness at which Dean spoke sent tremors of fear down Sam’s spine. He was almost frozen to his spot on the bed and it wasn’t until he began to focus on the song again that he felt a little more connected to reality.

There is nothing left of you,  
I can see it in your eyes  
Sing the anthem of the angels,  
And say the last goodbye

“He’s gone and he’s not coming back,” Dean repeated fiercely this time. There was no sadness or remorse in his voice, only bitterness. Sam couldn’t tell if he was blaming himself or Castiel for this fact, but Sam wanted to get to the bottom of this while he stood could.

“He’s Cas, Dean. He always comes back and this time is going to be no different. It may be more challenging, sure, but not impossible.” Sam kept his voice low so that it didn’t compete with the music. He also didn’t want to startle Dean. Although Sam still thought of his brother as the same protector he had been all of his life, there was something remarkably different about him thanks to Purgatory.

Dean pushed back against Sam so that he could bury his head into his pillow. His curled legs were still rested against Sam’s body, but he was no longer facing him. “It’s my fault he’s gone.”

“You can’t say that.”

“It is! I could’ve brought him with me and I didn’t.”

I keep holding onto you,  
But I can't bring you back to life  
Sing the anthem of the angels,  
And say the last goodbye

“Dean, please, let me help.”

“No.”

“Dean, I—“

“No, Sam! Just leave it!”

Sam flinched back at Dean’s tone. He knew that this was the grief that Dean constantly had gnawing at him doing most of the talking, but it didn’t make things any easier for Sam to take. All Sam could do was duck back in an attempt to give Dean some much needed shake.

“Dean, let me just—“

“No!” Dean curled his fingers into the soft pillow until he made indentations that may never be fully taken out no matter how many times the object would be washed. “Just leave me alone, Sam!”

Sam struggled not to snap back at Dean. He knew that his brother was embarrassed at showing such weakness and that was why he was pushing the only person that was still around away. Sam didn’t say anything as he climbed out of Dean’s bed and sat down on his own. He hit his heels together, unsure of what the next step should be.

Sam reached over to turn off the radio when he heard Dean stir.

“Leave it,” Dean commanded.

Sam drew back with his hands raised in surrender. “Whatever you say, man.” He fell back into bed and brought the covers up to his chin. The words of the song continued to drift around him until Sam was able to pick up a different sound in the room. If Sam didn’t know any better he would say that Dean was pleading with someone.

“It was supposed to be him and not me,” Dean hissed into his pillow. “You have to bring Cas back, do you hear me? He’s the one that deserves it and not me. He’s made mistakes, sure, but he cares more about humanity than I do. He’s sacrificed so much for myself and Sam already. The least that I can do is bring him back. Take me instead and give Cas back to us. Please.”

A sympathetic sob welled in Sam’s throat when he realized exactly what Dean was asking for. He was begging for his best friend back in any means necessary. Sam didn’t believe for a moment that Castiel’s life mattered more than Dean’s, but he could see where his brother was coming from. Sam missed Castiel too and they weren’t bonded nearly as closely as Dean was to the angel. It must be killing him to be apart from Castiel like this and know that there’s nothing that he can do to make it better. Castiel was still trapped in Purgatory possibly forever unless Dean found a way to bring him back.

“Please, I can’t do this without him. I need him.” Dean’s voice was quiet, barely a breathy whisper when he spoke next. “I love him.”

Sam wasn’t sure that he had ever heard Dean say those words; if he had then it was longer than Sam cared to admit to. It just wasn’t something that Dean regularly did. Sure, he’d say that he loved pie or the Impala, but never like this. That told Sam that things were even more dire than he originally thought.

‘I’m going to get him back for you, Dean’. Sam wriggled down deeper under the covers. ‘I promise that I will, whatever means necessary’.

Sing the anthem of the angels,  
And say the last goodbye  
Sing the anthem of the angels

Sam’s eyes began to close when the song faded to nothing. The radio seemed to turn off on it’s own and Sam wasn’t bothered by it. If anything he enjoyed the silence in the room.

Suddenly, the silence was broken and feared with muffled sobs. Sam lifted his head from his pillow and leaned forward to see his brother’s shoulders hitching upward in the partial light. Sam knew that it was because his brother was crying and trying to be discrete about it. Dean hated calling attention to himself when he was emotional and Sam had enough sense to know not to even try to bring it up or comfort him right now. Dean would come to him when he was ready and not before.

“I’m sorry, Dean,” Sam whispered into the back of his hand so that Dean couldn’t hear. “I’m going to get Cas back for you. I know that you need him and he needs you. Mark my words, you will get your angel back.”

The words of the Breaking Benjamin song rang true in Sam’s ears when he closed his eyes to pray for sleep to come quickly over him and Dean.

Days go on forever,  
But I have not left your side  
We can chase the dark together,  
If you go then so will I  
There is nothing left of you,  
I can see it in your eyes  
Sing the anthem of the angels  
And say the last goodbye

**Author's Note:**

> The ending pulled on my heartstrings just a bit. I highly recommend looking up the song if you haven’t to ready. It’ll make this story even more impactful. I hope you guys enjoyed and are staying safe and healthy!


End file.
